Scientists at Columbia University have successfully synthesized the chemicals derived from the antioxidantal compound found in red wine (resveratrol) into mimicking polyphenol pills. This is great news for health nuts like me who can responsibly moderate their nutritional supplement intake, but get Cooter- Brown- fucked-up after a single bottle of MD 20/20.
Here’s a great, and fairly gross, story we missed from the O yesterday. Some kid peed in our drinking water! Asshole! But pee isn’t so bad; these goofy survivalist guys on the Discovery Chanel or whatever drink it all time, for survival! They seem to like it. Then again, those guys are all fucking nuts.
Anyway, the story addressed all of the actual gross shit that might fall in our city’s enormous open reservoirs, such as dead rats and birds and so on. UH FUCKING VOMIT. But, anyway, what are you going to do? Not drink it? Does Brita make a filter that sifts out dead rat bits?Well, whatever. Enjoy your nice weather and dead rat water today, Portland!
ATTN DRUNKS: Famous local brewer Hopworks opened up their new fancy Bike Bar joint on N. Williams this week (maybe?), and tonight is their official opening/Pedalpalooza celebration/whatever, where they will dump whole pints of beer down your throat for just two bucks.
So show up. Especially if you, like your editor, live in NoPo. REP YO HOOD, etc. See you there maybe!
Oh, those Foo Fighter guys are funny. According to The Smoking Gun, their concert rider is full of zingers! This includes mentions of “Cat Fancy magazine” and fucking “Grape Nuts.”
They also call Diet Coke, “Portland champagne.” We have no idea why. Is this some kind of inside joke I missed out on? Is Diet Coke the official drink of Portland? I thought Portland champagne was just called, “beer.”
Portland has a handful of really nice vintage shops. Avalon is one we like quite a bit; there are always gems hidden among the multiple racks of suits and jackets - like a madras seersucker jacket we found last night that was just a tick too big to be tailored to fit. But! Then there are the multiple millions of vintage shops in town that are just fucking awful and tasteless.
We’re not going to name names here; the market will sort out which stores stay and which quietly shutter, to be sure. But, speaking very generally here, almost every vintage and second-hand shop in the city is jam-packed full of crap that no one wears, not even Portlanders, a portion of which will wear any old fucking thing. It’s like living in that pool scene from Boogie Nights:
"That cowboy look died out about six years ago."
"It’s coming back though!"
"No it’s not. No it’s not. It’s over. It’s dead."
Now, I know there’s something out there for everyone. I imagine people who are really into tacky pearl-button cowboy shirts and shit totally exist! But even the proprietors of these awful places have to admit: this kind of stuff is just kitch. It’s crap that comes in and out of style every other decade or so. Whereas: Vintage stores that have actual Nice Old Things, stuff that looks good in any year of any decade ever - those are the shops that ultimately survive, earn a loyal clientele, etc. Those kinds of vintage shops are more than just a junky place you visit the week before Halloween to buy 1970s shirts with collars so wide you could make an entire separate shirt out of them, for your fucking clown costume. Nice vintage shops sell stuff you’ll actually wear in real life. Portland has precious few of those.
So, thesis: Many Portland thrift stores suck. THAT IS OUR OPINON OF THE DAY, thanks.
Earlier this week, we were bitching about not being able to find a bocce set in Portland. We still can’t, but for those who want to play in a bocce league, click the clicky above. It’s $325 per team. A little pricy, no? Still: game of kings. A better summer yard game has never been invented.
Also: If anyone knows where to get a goddamn bocce set around these parts, hit us up.
According to Twitter or whatever, a bicyclist has literally destroyed Portland Mayor Sam Adams’ fancy Prius by crashing her bicycle into it, in what was maybe a terrorist plot? We guess; we don’t know. We didn’t actually read any, like, “news articles” about it. But hey: evil terrorist cyclist! What did Portland Mayor Sam Adams ever do to you, huh?
Oh dang. We’ve been out of town all week, but this is obviously major news. You yokels had already written off Stumptown as local sell-outs and the new Starbucks. Now that shit is way, way official.
But oh well. Maybe the Stumptown on 3rd will become some lame tourist mecca, like the Pike Place Market Starbucks in Seattle. And then we can all drive by it and stare at the line snaking down the street and around the corner and mumble, “Uh, that fucking place.”
Meanwhile, whatever investment firm is going to get RICH AS SHIT selling Stumptown off to, who? Starbucks? Ha ha! Maybe!